Guy friends

To my guy friends, if you're on a dating site looking for meaningful, potentially long-term connection, try to avoid these pitfalls which could work against attracting anything remotely close to that. First impressions really do count; plenty of time later for partners to read between the lines on your quirks and habits - while you're getting the read on theirs:

1.) Take the damn sunglasses off. Seriously, show your eyes. You may think it looks cool (especially those colored ones which resemble a gas leak on the surface of a lake) but it raises suspicion and questions.

2.) Again along the theme of eyes, don't wear reptilian slit contact lenses. That's creepy as sh*t as a first impression, and will send anybody afraid of the Cabal or NWO packing. You won't even have them at hello!

3.) No selfies in front of police stations. If you're not wearing a uniform, nobody knows the real backstory to that. Make sense?

4.) The worst pitfall of all! Take a solo selfie without the ex, BFF drinking buddy, wife, or "it's complicated" special friend who's only really renting a room in your place to help with costs. And don't cut her body off and leave an arm or hand wrapped around your head, shoulder, waist, as* ... yeah, you catch the drift.

5.) For God sakes, delete the super blurry pics where nobody can tell if you're a human or bigfoot standing in a forest! Don't be so freakin' lazy about your sales pitch!

6.) Leave the bottle (or bottles!) of beer, wine, sitting on the table - or at the very least, try to frame it/them creatively or gracefully. Guzzling shots/bottles, or wearing torn, empty beer cases on your head while booze seeps down the front of your shirt sends out a very specific message for a very specific partner ... which is cool if that's what you're looking for, but not so cool if you've arrived at a point in your life where you'd like to regenerate your liver.

7.) Try your absolute best not to look super bored, hungover, pissed off, or like a dangerous sociopath. If you prefer your serious face, practice in front of the mirror, and solicit feedback from others you trust (who aren't competing on the same dating site!)

8.) Please. Don't post pictures of arm wrestling a concrete gargoyle or wearing tin foil on your head with your eyes severely crossed. Save the conversation (and collection of pictures) about your eccentricities for the time-wasting messages which will inevitably come next. If you find your fellow weirdo, rock on. Consider yourself lucky!

9.) Don't include any pics of tightly hugging a child who is crying. That's another "nobody knows the backstory" deal, and you could be falsely accused of something.

10.) There are other sites perfect for profiles of X-rated bare body parts. If you like your physique, that's awesome ... somebody else probably will too, but include your face (without sunglasses) and retain a bit of mystery.

11.) Avoid pictures which show exactly where you work, live, etc. Online is a w-w-weird place. Keep it less w-w-weird by minimizing what gets out until you've had a chance to filter your prospects thoroughly.

12.) Come on! Don't post a main profile shot of you with messy (not to be confused with "sexy") hair, laying in bed! Or, on a couch. Sexy is tousled and probably smells nice. Messy is greasy, buckled up into confusing directions, and may not smell so nice. Don't we all see enough of that on a regular basis anyway if we're with someone? Or even in our own mirror? Zero points on originality. You can't plus-sell on inevitability, so don't include it.

Maybe next week I'll write a list of 12 things that really, really work well!